Money is often considered a taboo topic, even for couples who share nearly everything else. Yet, it’s one of the biggest sources of conflict in relationships, especially when combining finances after marriage.
In this article, we’ll explore proven strategies for combining finances after marriage, discussing real-life examples and practical steps to achieve financial harmony as a couple.
Real-Life Example Of Love And Money
It turns out we don’t even like talking about money to our significant other. In fact, money is the number 1 thing we fight about.
While many couples avoid money conversations, these very discussions hold the key to financial peace in a relationship.
Take, for example, Beth and John—a couple who came to me just one month before their wedding, still struggling to get on the same page with their finances. Like many couples, they hadn’t fully confronted their financial differences, and Beth’s fears of being a financial burden were causing tension.
We explore their journey toward open, honest financial communication and the deeper challenges of merging finances before marriage.
Ramit Sethi: [00:32:02] So you have basically $800,000 in net worth now. Right now it’s his and her money. When you get married, what is the plan?
Beth: [00:32:12] So we have some shared and some split.
John: [00:32:15] Mh-hmm.
Beth: [00:32:16] And that’s normally where the shared checking account is what normally covers our fixed costs. Sometimes John covers extra fixed costs just because of where our credit card is.
Ramit Sethi: [00:32:29] John, do you contribute proportionally?
John: [00:32:32] My contribution is a little higher. I contribute about 26, 28% of my net to the joint account, and Beth puts around 20 to 23% of her net into the joint.
Ramit Sethi: [00:32:47] How did you all decide on that number?
John: [00:32:51] It just felt right at the time.
Ramit Sethi: [00:32:56] John’s vagueness is almost overwhelming, and it doesn’t help.
John: [00:33:02] That’s felt a lot of stress around, “Oh, no, I’m a deadbeat. I’m not contributing enough or as much as you are. I don’t think it is enough.”
Ramit Sethi: [00:33:10] Okay, hold on. What’s up with this deadbeat comment, Beth? You got a deadbeat in your family or something?
Beth: [00:33:17] No, no, I don’t know. But I probably have been the deadbeat in relationship. I’ve been in multiple relationships with people where one of us is the breadwinner, one of us isn’t. And in almost all of those relationships, there have been times when I’m barely making ends meet with somebody who’s much more financially well off. And as the relationship went on, they became really resentful of having to cover more costs.
Beth and John’s conversation reveals a common struggle many couples face when merging finances: how to fairly contribute while addressing individual fears of inequity. John’s vague approach to financial contributions and Beth’s lingering anxiety from past relationships create a situation where transparency is missing. Beth worries she’s not doing enough and fears resentment may build over time.
As we continue, Beth shares a deeper concern—fear that her efforts may never measure up, despite John’s assurances. She craves more openness in their conversations about money and is scared that silence might lead to unspoken resentment.
John: [00:42:24] Beth, what specifically is it that you’re scared of?
Beth: [00:42:30] I’m scared of you thinking that I don’t help enough. You are so good at doing so much. You keep the house running and you do everything so well that I’m worried that if I step up, it still won’t be good enough. I’m scared that you will not see me as an equitable partner, even though even you’ve never made it seem you have a problem with it.
John: [00:43:01] Beth, I think, given your past relationships, it’s a totally valid fear. I don’t think that it’s where we’re headed. And I certainly don’t feel like that. But what could we do to make it better so that you didn’t feel like that?
Beth: [00:43:22] I think if we were more open talking about it, if I knew– you would let me know, if I knew that you would come to me and say, “Hey, you know what? I’m feeling a little worried–” if I knew that you would come and tell me, I think I would be more reassured. I’m worried you won’t tell me, that you’ll just keep it to yourself and it will fester. And that’s where the resentment would come from.
John and Beth’s situation underscores a key theme in relationships: communication is essential not only for managing finances but also for building trust. When couples talk openly about their financial roles, they can prevent issues from festering and ultimately create a stronger foundation for their future together.
How To Talk About Finances With Your Partner
Here are a few simple tips you can use when talking about money with your partner.
Be honest
Honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship, especially when it comes to finances. Without transparency, money issues can erode trust over time. Many couples, like Beth and John who we saw earlier, struggle with fully opening up about their financial situation.
Beth’s avoidance of financial discussions led to miscommunication, and her fear of not being a good partner left her feeling like she was never contributing enough. Meanwhile, John’s vagueness about their shared financial contributions only added to the confusion.
To prevent issues like these, both partners need to be upfront about their financial standings, including any debts, spending habits, or financial worries. Avoiding difficult conversations might feel easier in the short term, but without honesty, it’s impossible to build a solid financial plan together.
Like I always say: “You’ve got to get real with yourself and your partner.”
Understand that not everyone views finances the same way
Your perspective on money is shaped by your upbringing, experiences, and even your cultural background. These are your “money scripts,” the subconscious beliefs about finances that impact how you manage and think about money.
For example, someone like Beth, who grew up with a scarcity mindset, may hoard money or feel anxiety about spending. On the other hand, someone like John, who is more financially secure, might not understand why his partner is so hesitant to spend.
In any relationship, it’s crucial to recognize that you and your partner may not view finances the same way. This is why it’s essential to have open discussions about how you both approach saving, spending, and planning for the future. Understanding each other’s money scripts will help you navigate financial decisions together more effectively.
Almost everyone has these secret money scripts. Beth and John were not the first couple I’ve talked with who had these challenges.
Take Cristina and Ron, for example, from another couple I spoke with on my podcast. Cristina, who’s 30, manages the finances while Ron, 45, has a deep-seated fear of money. Ron’s reluctance to even log into his own bank account has put enormous pressure on Cristina to plan for both of their futures—especially since Ron seems detached from thinking about his retirement.
[00:07:29] Cristina: Because every time he talks, he has two mentalities. It’s either we’re poor or we don’t have money.
[00:07:38] Ramit: Is that not the same thing?
[00:07:41] Cristina: To him it’s not.
[00:07:43] Ramit: What’s the difference between poor and not having enough money?
[00:07:46] Ron: Poor, we can’t spend a dollar on anything. Like, scared. She’s right with the other one [not having enough money]. We can do something this month, but we can’t spend that much. We can go to the movies, but we can’t go out to dinner.
[00:08:04] Ramit: That’s what you describe as we don’t have money?
[00:08:06] Ron: Mm-hmm.
[00:08:07] Ramit: Does this seem a little hyperbolic to you? WE DON’T HAVE MONEY! Seems quite alarming to me, oh my God – if we truly don’t have money, that’s a 911. But actually, we can go out to the movies, and we have a savings account, and we have investments. It’s fine. But we don’t have money.
[00:08:26] Ron: Sounds silly when you put it your way. It’s because I still want to have some life. I work really hard. I don’t want to have to just stay in and do nothing. So I’d like to think, hey, we could still go do a little something as long as we’re not spending a lot of money. We’ll spend $40 as opposed to 200 going out to dinner.
Cristina and Ron’s story offers a glimpse into how deeply ingrained money scripts can be—and how they can clash in a relationship. For Ron, his upbringing taught him to fear financial instability, even when things are relatively stable. This invisible script of scarcity still shapes his view of money today, leading him to believe that they’re “poor” even though they have savings and investments.
Cristina, on the other hand, experienced extreme poverty growing up. Her version of “being poor” is far more severe, yet she still carries her own anxieties about money, feeling pressure to manage it for both of them.
[00:19:47] Ron: I’m nervous just because of the way that we grew up. We had some really good times, and then we had some really bad times. So I never want to put us in any financial troubles. That’s why I am the way that I am.
[00:20:02] Ramit: The troubling times happened, what, in your teen years?
[00:20:06] Ron: Great school middle school. High school, we had real good and then real bad. My dad was a contractor, so we’d have a good year, then we’d have a bunch of really bad months, and so fluctuated.
[00:20:17] My dad was the only one that worked in the family, so when he wasn’t in a contract, 23 still had bills to pay, so we had to borrow money from family sometimes. We almost lost the house, but grandparents helped out with that. I’ve got two older brothers, mom, and dad. We didn’t do a lot when we were kids because we didn’t have the money.
[00:20:44] We didn’t go on vacations. We didn’t go out to dinners. We still had a lot of fun because it was growing up in the 80s, but seeing the way that my parents fought about money or the lack of, I don’t want us to be like that. So those are things I just don’t want to have happen, and I would hate to ask for handouts from people.
[00:21:09] Ramit: Did you grow up in the Midwest?
[00:21:10] Ron: Yes, sir.
[00:21:11] Cristina: So whenever he said he was poor, he was cheap, he was this, not to diminish what he experienced because I get it, but it’s like, you don’t know war until you go in the Philippines. We were homeless at some point. I would have to beg neighbors for food, for dinner, so that our family could eat. That’s how poor we were.
[00:21:36] Ramit: Do you think that there’s a way to be a sensible spender without being cheap?
[00:21:44] Ron: Yes, if we have a budget set aside for each of us for each month. We can only spend this amount. You can spend this amount. I can spend this amount. And if that’s the case, then she can go do whatever she wants to with it as long as we’re still saving at the same time.
Ron and Cristina’s different perspectives on finances create tension in their relationship, but this tension stems from their respective money scripts—beliefs that have been deeply embedded since childhood. Understanding these subconscious influences is key. Without recognizing them, you risk misinterpreting your partner’s fears or behaviors.
Be willing to communicate a lot
As we saw in the previous real-life examples, a lack of communication can lead to financial stress and insecurity. For example, Beth feared being judged as a “deadbeat,” while John assumed everything was fine because they hadn’t openly discussed their concerns.
Talking about finances with your partner may feel awkward, but it’s necessary. You can start by scheduling regular money meetings where you can discuss your financial goals, challenges, and any upcoming expenses.
To help you both start off on the right foot, you can download my Monthly Money Meeting Guide to learn how to have effective money meetings in less than one hour a month. Get the guide here!
6 Tips For Creating A Financial Plan Together
One of the most important steps when dealing with finances as a couple is having a concrete plan. Without it, you’re just floating with no direction.
This is where the Conscious Spending Plan can change the game. Instead of focusing only on cutting costs or feeling anxious about every dollar spent, the Conscious Spending Plan allows you to be intentional with your money. You decide where your money will go based on your priorities—saving, investing, guilt-free spending, and more.
A solid financial plan isn’t just about numbers—it’s about clarity and being on the same page as a couple. With the Conscious Spending Plan, you can allocate money to the things that matter most to you while ensuring you’re still hitting your savings and investment goals.
1. Get off the rollercoaster and automate your finances
Many couples think that making more money will solve their problems. But what often happens is that more money amplifies the issues already present.
This is where automation comes in. You can take the guesswork out of your finances by automating your bills, savings, and debt payments. Automation aligns perfectly with the Conscious Spending Plan, allowing you to direct your money intentionally without thinking about it every month. When you automate, you get off the emotional rollercoaster of worrying about money and focus on the things that bring you joy.
2. Figure out what your Rich Life looks like together
When combining finances after marriage, it’s crucial to define your Rich Life together. Your individual backgrounds shape your financial views.
For Cristina and Ron, their Rich Life looked different because they came from such different financial backgrounds. Cristina grew up in extreme poverty, even begging for food at times. On the other hand, Ron experienced fluctuating income, with both good and bad financial years. These experiences shaped their views on money in very different ways.
When I work with couples, I always emphasize the importance of defining what your Rich Life looks like together. What do you want to achieve? What kind of lifestyle do you want to build?
3. Figure out how to maximize your income as a couple
For married couples, researching income potential is a joint effort. Understanding each other’s career trajectories and how they impact your shared financial goals is helpful.
When combining finances with your partner, one of the most important conversations is around income potential. Understanding where both of you stand financially—and where you could go—is key to building a solid financial future together.
Ask yourself:
- Is it possible in my line of work?
- What do I need to change to get there?
- Is there a ceiling on my earnings?
- Do you need to adjust your ideas of a rich life, even if it’s temporary?
- Will you need to change your job or career?
4. Set realistic financial goals
Once you set a date for a goal, you’ll quickly learn whether your financial route is worth your sweat, tears, and long hours. Successful business owners don’t wait until their backs are against the wall to pull the plug.
Start with: “If by ___, it doesn’t meet ____ goal, we need to sacrifice/lose/sell this to keep it.” If the loss doesn’t justify keeping the job or business, it’s time to look for something else.
It’s also important to be optimistic and not poke holes in all the suggestions. Put them on the table and see how the options measure up, not only for financial health but also for overall well-being.
5. Realign frequently on your values as a couple
At the end of the day, your financial plan should serve both of you. As a couple, ask yourselves these questions:
- What is our Rich Life together?
- What are we willing to do to get it?
- How do we align our money scripts to work towards the same goals?
- What is our step-by-step plan to do so?
These open conversations allow you to take control of your finances and live a Rich Life without worrying about money.
6. Try monthly meetings
Regular money meetings are among the best ways to maintain open communication about finances in your marriage. These meetings provide a dedicated time and space to discuss your financial goals, review your progress, and adjust your plans as needed.
To help you get started, I’ve created a comprehensive guide on conducting effective monthly money meetings with your partner in less than one hour a month, just tell me where to send it!
