Ever been to a social gathering where you did more standing around than talking? Many of us hope that people will talk to us first – because let’s face it, it can be scary
The truth is, being a conversationalist is a skill, and if it’s a skill, you can learn it – right in this post.
1. How to approach a conversation
You have two options; strike up a conversation or join one in progress.
When starting a conversation, try to look for someone who is standing by themselves, preferably on the opposite side of the room. Now all you have to do is smile, walk over there, and ask an appropriate open-ended question. You never know if they’re also as nervous as you!
When joining a conversation, focus on interjecting yourself into conversations you find interesting or have something valuable to add. Now you might have to eavesdrop a little to get this one right. The best part about eavesdropping at a social event is that it happens to be a great conversation starter. It can be as easy as introducing yourself by saying, “I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were discussing…” and telling them your own thoughts.
2. Start the conversation with a plan
The perfect conversation starter depends on the situation and where you find yourself. For some reason, we tend to gravitate to the cliched, “So what do you do?”, which might help you launch a conversation, but it doesn’t leave much room to continue.
Instead, ask more open-ended questions to encourage an opinion or story, such as:
- What did you think of [current activity/event]?
- So, what brought you here?
- How do you know the host?
These questions usually start with how, why or what, and aren’t easily answered by a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Starting a conversation in this way allows you to gather insights about the other person, which you can then ask follow up questions or give your own opinion, letting the conversation flow naturally from there. Simple!
However, be warned: no one likes feeling interrogated. So tweak your script with a few guidelines:
- Don’t ask too many questions.
- Make statements reflecting on what they responded, “Oh, I never thought about that” or “That’s an interesting approach.”
- Only ask, “What do you do?” if it’s relevant, and please, for the love of keeping your conversation going, don’t lead with it.
3. When trying to continue a conversation…
Make sure you don’t ask close-ended questions or use close-ended answers that kill the flow. For example:
You: “So do you know Sally?”
Them: “We met in high school.”
You: “Oh, cool.”
Or:
You: “So do you know Sally?”
Them: “Yes”
Can you see how there’s nowhere for the conversation to go? You either end up drifting to the next person, or get stuck asking these types of questions in an awkward back and forth without going into any depth.
Instead, ask them a question like, “Oh cool, what was she like back then?”, or a statement that invites further response like, “You must have some wild stories”, where it would be a natural way to let the conversation flow and allow you to build rapport, even if it includes a bit of small talk.
Just remember to keep it on the light side – not every conversation has to be about big philosophical life questions. It can be as simple as asking about whether pineapple belongs on pizza!
4. Pay attention to body language
A conversation isn’t just about what we say, but what we don’t say. Small gestures can have a powerful impact on people, both positive and negative. It’s often the unspoken difference to being liked, respected and trusted.
- Smile with your eyes: Just a gentle, upturned mouth that touches your eyes. If you only smile with your mouth, it will look fake. Practice in front of the mirror, focus on how it feels and what muscles need to move in order to make an approachable smile. Bonus: smiling sends chemicals to your brain, so it will also help you feel better!
- Slightly over exaggerate your energy: Take whatever energy level you’re at now and add 25-50%. What you feel on the inside isn’t necessarily displayed on the outside, so make sure that ‘bubbliness’ is visible. However, don’t force yourself to be something you’re not, this is primarily about signaling your approachability.
- Talk slower: If you’re a fast talker (guilty as charged) try forcing yourself to slow down by at least 50%. It will feel sluggish to you but perfect for everyone else. One easy hack to help you slow down is to focus on enunciating your words.
- Open your body language: First, make a mental note of how you currently sit or stand. Are your arms and legs crossed? Do you turn away? Focus on relaxing your body and physically displaying openness, rather than defensiveness. You can also mirror their body language.The more open your body language is, the more welcoming and confident people will think you are.
- Eye contact: Make eye contact regularly, but don’t stare at them. Just make it feel obvious that you’re paying attention and are interested in what they have to say.
5. Watch the pros
Learning from the social butterflies in your social circle or from great speakers/conversationalists is a fast way to level up your skills.
Take cues from a person that everyone likes talking to:
- What are they saying?
- How are they saying it?
- Where are their eyes looking?
- What’s their body language like? Their posture? Stance?
- How are they keeping people engaged?
- How are they inviting responses and giving other people a chance to speak?
- What is the timing like?
We also have story and question toolboxes to improve your conversation skills. Being a good conversationalist isn’t just about working a room; it’s a skill that can open doors in all areas of your life. Practice makes perfect, and soon you’ll be doing things like negotiating a raise without breaking a sweat.
Want to learn exactly how? Watch my video below for expert tips and strategies.
6. Practice, practice, practice
While a script will help you get things started, only practice will enable you to become a master conversationalist.
It may feel uncomfortable, but it’s the only way to get better. It also helps if you have fun with it! No need to take yourself too seriously.
First, start small by practising in the mirror, or by filming yourself. Talk to a stuffed toy or your pet. Practice with close friends and family members and ask them to point out what you could be doing better.
Then, take it to the streets. Try asking your waiter or server a question, or talking to someone while waiting in line. The easiest way is to compliment something you can see, such as their outfit, and ask a question about it.
Finally, practice in the situation where you want to improve, whether that’s at a professional conference or a house party. To help you calm your nerves:
- Psych yourself up: This starts before you even get to the event. Wear an outfit that makes you feel comfortable and confident. Talk positively and remind yourself that this is what it feels like to grow. You’re not going to get it right out of the gate, and there’s probably going to be a few embarrassing or awkward situations… but it’s not the end of the world! Every time you put yourself out there, you learn. You start adapting your scripts, body language, and even mannerisms to make new meets more comfortable. The important part is to learn.
- Give yourself enough time to get there: My rule of thumb is to arrive around 15 minutes late for a social event, otherwise ending up in an empty room can bring those feelings of awkwardness back. Hopefully, there will already be some people there to approach and it won’t be too crowded. It’s all about finding that sweet spot – arriving when the party has already started allows you to blend in and relax. Alternatively, you can also arrive early to help the host set up, which gives you a chance to settle your nerves and things to do, which can make things easier.
- Remember to breathe: One of the best ways to instantly make yourself feel better is by taking long, controlled breaths. This will help you regulate that racing heartbeat and hopefully take care of the sweaty palms too. Look for well-ventilated spots such as balconies or patios if you need to get away for a fresh breath of air.
- And of course, smile!
The bottom line
Improving your conversational skills may take a little time, especially if your idea of a good night out is watching the late-night movie by yourself so you can wear your pajamas without judgment.
It will take more than a good jacket or a new pair of shoes. Your social skills depend on how well you can connect with the other person and form relationships. It’s as simple and hard as that!
It’s one of the best things I’ve published (and 100% free), just tell me where to send it:
