Financial infidelity—when one partner hides financial information, engages in secret transactions, or lies about money—can be as devastating as any other form of betrayal.
In this post, I’ll share real-life examples from my podcast where couples have faced the harsh realities of financial infidelity. Through their stories, you’ll learn the signs to watch for and what steps you can take if you’re experiencing something similar in your own relationship.
8 Real-Life Financial Infidelity Examples
From small hidden purchases to major secret debts, here are some examples that illustrate the severity of financial infidelity in some cases:
“I just learned he took out a secret $100,000 loan—two years ago”
Jan and Emily are in their thirties and recently bought a house. Emily is the higher earner and lets Jan manage their money, adding to the feeling of betrayal that she keeps buried under a calm exterior.
When Emily and Jan were in the middle of buying a house, their lender asked for documents related to a small business loan. Emily assumed everything was fine, but Jan’s behavior became increasingly strange. Finally, he confessed that he had taken out a $100,000 loan without her knowledge. This revelation came just weeks into the home-buying process.
Jan admitted that while his initial intention with the $100k loan was to make money, there wasn’t a clear plan. He confessed that a big part of his motivation was simply wanting to contribute more to their life together and not feel like he was falling short in his role. It’s a common struggle, especially when traditional expectations clash with modern realities.
Jan: [00:05:39] Together we got the loan, and then at some point, I received an extension to increase that loan. Initially, I just applied for a small amount, just thinking this would be a good backup or an emergency fund scenario. And then when I got approved, I got approved for the entire loan amount, which was way more than I was honestly looking for. And then I sat with a couple of days and then I was just thinking that this would help me redirect my career. I was just hoping that that would be able to get me back on track.
Ramit Sethi: [00:06:23] How would the extra loan money help you get on track?
Jan: [00:06:27] Well, I was thinking, “Okay, cool. I can use this to start some kind of a small business or use it to generate some income for the lifestyle that both Emily and I want.”
Ramit Sethi: [00:06:43] How much was the loan for?
Jan: [00:06:45] The initial loan was for $36,000 and then got another $100,000 on top of that, which is the 100 she didn’t know about.
Despite the initial shock and betrayal caused by Jan’s secret $100k loan, they’re both making significant strides in repairing their relationship.
Emily: [00:15:34] I think I don’t feel scared that he’s going to do it again. I think I look at the way that he kind of opened up emotionally about things and some of the stuff that I said would need to happen in order for me to feel like he was doing the work. Because I felt like the last couple of years there was a lot of emotional assistance that I couldn’t provide, that I wanted him to see a therapist.
I felt that was really important. And he did start doing those things because I think that’s a script that I can’t break down that I need someone else to do because I didn’t come from that. So I don’t know how to talk– I don’t have a lot of, I think it’s silly to a certain extent, so I just don’t have the tools to talk with him about it.
Long story short, I don’t feel scared that he’s going to do it again. I think it was really out of character and I think it came from a place of severe insecurity. And it was so long ago. That was still in 2020.
Ramit Sethi: [00:16:48] Mh-hmm.
Emily: [00:16:49] Yeah, that was still in 2020, and I only found out about it in the middle of 2022. And I think that we as a couple have come a long way, and he sees what I’m capable of doing in my career, and I think that that gives him a little bit more security where maybe he knows that those things are not necessary to do when they have that much risk.
Ramit Sethi: [00:17:15] Okay. A lot of good things there. The fact that you encouraged him to see a therapist, Jan, the fact that you are doing that, the fact that you’ve had a lot of healthier conversations, all this sounds very positive. Mistakes happen, bad decisions happen. Jan, you’ve said it multiple times today you apologized. Emily, you’ve accepted, it seems like and it seems like you’re both moving forward. So I’m really pleased to hear you talking so openly.
Jan and Emily’s story highlights the importance of transparency and communication in a relationship, especially when it comes to financial decisions. Despite the initial breach of trust, their willingness to confront the issue and work through it together is a testament to the strength of their partnership.
Listen to the full episode to learn more about their journey and how to handle financial infidelity.
“We’re worth $700,000+ but my wife took away my credit card”
Kirsten and Jon are both 34, raising two young boys in Canada. An engineer, Kirsten is all about problems and solutions, going as far as “parenting” Jon when he overspends. Jon avoids money talk like the plague, even giving up his use of the joint credit card to avoid further static at home.
Jon and Kirsten’s financial friction begins with Jon’s laid-back approach to handling credit card payments, which leads to confusion over balances and payment practices. Kirsten’s anxiety about the growing credit card interest highlights a fundamental difference in managing their money.
Jon: [00:02:12] I had gone in and I had paid our joint credit card completely off. And the comment came out from yourself that I wasn’t supposed to pay the complete credit card off, and instead I was only supposed to pay the– I think they call it a statement balance for whatever was spent on that credit card for that past month.
And then from there, it went into you wondering what I had left on my credit card. And it turns out I had not paid the entire credit card completely off because of an error on my part, being out of town for eight weeks in a row.
Ramit Sethi: [00:02:55] How much was on your credit card, Jon?
Jon: [00:02:58] Like $2,100 and change.
Ramit Sethi: [00:03:01] Okay. Is that a lot? Is that a little? How does that stack up to your normal spending?
Jon: [00:03:06] That’s on the high-end average, I would say.
Kirsten: [00:03:09] It freaked me out because I have never not paid a credit card off in full. And so knowing how expensive the interest is, I was just freaking out.
Jon even handed over his credit card to avoid financial arguments with Kirsten, which highlights a deeper issue. Kirsten, meanwhile, feels like she’s parenting Jon as she manages their finances while struggling to align their spending habits.
Jon’s strong dislike of money talks shows how stressed he is by these discussions. He sees using a line of credit as no big deal, while Kirsten believes it’s only for emergencies. This difference adds to the tension in their relationship.
Eventually, Jon acknowledges Kirsten’s burden in managing their household finances alone. This is a turning point, as he recognizes the need to step up and support her efforts rather than avoid financial responsibilities.
Jon: [00:37:28] I think all those points are 100% valid, like how can she go through and run an entire household financially by herself? She’s attempting to wade through waist-deep snow uphill by herself. Yeah.
Ramit Sethi: [00:38:01] Does it reach you? Does it connect with you when you hear her say something like that?
Jon: [00:38:05] Yeah.
Ramit Sethi: [00:38:07] In what way?
Jon: [00:38:09] It tells me I need to step in more to with what she needs help with. I need to take it upon myself and whatever she’s asking for, try and help as opposed to running away from it.
Ramit Sethi: [00:38:34] Kirsten, was that accurate the way I articulated what you’ve been feeling recently?
Kirsten: [00:38:40] Yes, definitely.
Their story highlights how our financial habits often stem from what we learned from our parents. Whether you were taught about money from a young age or picked up bad habits, understanding your financial background is key to building a healthier relationship with money.
If you want to dive deeper into my conversation with them, you can listen to the full episode.
“He hides purchases from me–and I let him”
Lisa and Jeff are in their forties and have a blended household. They had about a $300k net worth before they were awarded a $1.275M settlement in January of this year.
She’s looking for a teammate, but he’s happy to simply send her his paycheck and make jokes about their toxic dynamic.
Jeff: [00:18:08] She has endured worse than I can dish out. I don’t take advantage of it, but at the same time, it’s a fact of our life that she will– I can make some jokes, and I can have some fun with the fact that she’s running our finances. And even if it’s a big problem for her, for the most part, I know she’s not coming at me about it. So I’m taking advantage of that to a certain extent. I’m not purposely trying to take advantage of her, but it is certainly convenient that I don’t have to worry about her coming at me about it.
Jeff hides purchases from Lisa, opens lines of credit without her knowledge, and pushes off financial planning. Lisa, who handles their day-to-day finances, feels the weight of Jeff’s secretive behavior but avoids confrontation to prevent conflict.
This dynamic leaves her dealing with the consequences of Jeff’s actions alone, while he justifies his behavior by assuming he’ll manage the debt later, a plan that rarely works out.
Jeff seems reluctant to engage in their financial decisions. Lisa, however, is frustrated by this attitude and feels the strain of carrying the financial burden alone.
Jeff: [00:04:07] I’ve always counted her money is her money and my money is her money.
Ramit Sethi: [00:04:11] I think that’s a cute phrase, but I actually don’t think that’s doing you any favors.
Jeff: [00:04:14] It’s not doing me any favors, but it’s also true.
Lisa: [00:04:17] And it’s the same with the settlement. And I find it’s like really grates on me that he’s like, that’s your money. That’s your money. That’s your money. And I’m like, no, it isn’t. It’s ours.
Jeff and Lisa’s relationship shows how financial infidelity can manifest in subtle ways—through hidden purchases, unequal financial responsibility, and poor communication. Their story is a powerful reminder that true partnership requires transparency and shared accountability in managing money.
For more on Jeff and Lisa’s story and how we worked through these problems, you can listen to the full podcast.
“I hide my spending from my husband”
Meet Chuck and Mary. They may have a high household income of $450,000 a year, but they’re struggling to live A Rich Life due to financial secrecy. Mary hides her spending from Chuck, fearing his judgment, while Chuck feels restricted in his own spending decisions, creating a tense dynamic between them.
Mary: [00:01:55] I definitely hid the fact that I did a cold sculpting treatment and some other skin treatment in my stomach, because I had three kids and I was very self-conscious about it, so I’ve hidden that for a long time. I ended up telling him, but it was in a very casual way like, yeah, I did this, they gave me payments, which they’re going to be for the rest of my life, and it’s not a big deal. But the truth is, I actually hid it for a while from him, and I was scared to tell him, because I didn’t want him to judge me for it or get disappointed at me.
Chuck: [00:02:37] There have been a number of situations like that. I wish there weren’t limits and wished to provide for the family, to not have any restrictions in terms of what she could do. But also, it feels challenging, that she has to hide it, and we can’t have the conversation about it, or by the time we have the conversation, then it’s a more tense place to have it, because one of us feels like the other person did something wrong.
Ramit Sethi: [00:03:03] How much did this CoolSculpting cost?
Mary: [00:03:06] It was $7,000.
Ramit Sethi: [00:03:08] Okay. Now, is that a little or a lot based on your income?
Mary: [00:03:15] I mean, it’s a lot. I mean, our income is really good, but we also have a lot of luxuries that we choose to have, like having a full-time housekeeper. So, that obviously doesn’t leave a lot of room for discretionary spending. Because we need it at the moment, I just think I can figure it out later. I’m like, I’ll figure it out later, I’ll pay for it, I don’t know, with a gift money or something.
Mary: [00:03:39] But it was definitely something that I should have talked about, because it was a commitment and I still have to pay for it, even though it was in 10,000 payments. My whole life, all I wanted was things, as a kid, I lacked a lot of things. And there was so much deprivation that once I got a glimpse of like the good life here in America, Josh and I are not wealthy, but he grew up in a family that is wealthy, and that gave me access to a bunch of things that I didn’t know that they were possible.
Mary’s secret spending and Chuck’s feelings of restriction highlight how financial infidelity can strain even the wealthiest relationships. Addressing these issues openly is crucial to building trust and achieving financial harmony. For the full conversation, listen to the episode here.
“I hid thousands of dollars of credit card debt from my husband”
Jordan and Dan are a married couple dealing with financial challenges related to hidden credit card debt. Jordan grew up in an environment where money conversations were avoided, with her mother often keeping financial matters hidden from her father. Unfortunately, this pattern has continued in Jordan’s own life.
Jordan and Dan’s story clearly shows how financial infidelity can deeply strain a relationship. It all started when Dan discovered Jordan had hidden $10,000 in credit card debt. Dan felt blindsided, especially since they were saving for a down payment on a house.
Dan: [00:01:24] I was running late from work, and showed up at the office, and she was having a conversation with him. And the first thing he [financial advisor] was talking about as I sat down was credit card debt and how to manage credit card debt now that she had $10,000 of credit card debt. And I was like, you have $10,000 of credit card debt, like how? And in those types of conversations, like he obviously was like, you didn’t know this?
Dan: [00:01:52] I didn’t want to have that conversation there, like I’d wanted to keep it progressing and focus on everything we were there to accomplish. And if it happened, we need to figure out a way forward. I think what was jarring to me is that, technically, we are married, and like a good tenant of a good marriage or a good relationship period is communication, and the fact that that didn’t even get shared with me, because a lot of the debt was from our wedding.
Jordan kept her debt a secret, thinking she could handle it alone. She was driven by fear of Dan’s reaction and the belief that she could fix the problem alone, only to realize that her secrecy was damaging their relationship.
Jordan: [00:02:52] Yes, so horrifying. Honestly, I kept it a secret, because I thought I could fix it for a long time. I had an idea in my head that I’d be able to do it on my own. I also had this, I think, fear about what the reaction would be. And I think after so long, it just was a part of me, and I knew how much it impacted me emotionally that I was worried about what and how it would impact Dan in the long run, like it’s going to suck either way, and it sucked either way. But I had this idea in my head, I had one of those invisible manuscripts in my head that I’d fix it. And I went through it for a long time of like, I can fix it, I can fix it, I’ll get it down, it’s not a big deal. That, I think, is that, in a nutshell, is that I really felt that I could do it myself and that I didn’t need help from anybody else.
Dan could forgive her the first time, but trust was seriously eroded after it happened again.
Dan: [00:06:47] So, like I can forgive you on the first time, I can forgive you on the second time, but like as a family, if we want to have a family together and grow together, like this can’t happen anymore. And like we’re not rich people right now. I mean, like in terms of how you define it, like, yes, we’re doing pretty well for our age, but at the end of the day, like we can’t really afford that going forward, especially like when you think of-
Dan: [00:07:20] So, her parents were going to give us the money for a down payment or something, that money, in conversation after this, we put towards the credit card to get rid of all of that rather than putting it in towards a home that would probably appreciate, what, maybe like 4% a year or something along those lines, like it just didn’t make sense. So, take that out of the equation, now, it’s like 100% me putting anything into this down payment, plus anything that needs to go into the home. So, it’s heavy, but like we talk a lot about it and I think we’ve worked through it pretty well, but for those first two weeks, like I just kind of felt violated, and it wasn’t even my money.
This situation highlights how financial infidelity, even when intentions aren’t malicious, can lead to feelings of violation and mistrust. For couples experiencing similar issues, it’s crucial to address these problems head-on and work towards rebuilding trust. Listen to their full story here.
“My wife didn’t know I had $450,000 of debt until yesterday”
John and Wendy have been married for over a decade, but financial secrets have been brewing beneath the surface. John, a dentist, has been carrying a substantial debt since dental school—a debt Wendy was aware of when they first got together.
However, the situation escalated when Wendy recently discovered that instead of decreasing, the debt had grown to $600,000. This revelation brought to light the deeper issue of financial infidelity in their relationship.
John: [00:03:44] From my recollection, I told her pretty early on, probably immediately after dental school. I told her that I was about $450,000 in debt, totaling from undergrad and dental school as well, and that was about it. That was the first time I told her.
Ramit Sethi: [00:04:05] What was her reaction when you told her that number?
John: [00:04:07] Her reaction, I remember, was it was a lot just because compared to hers, I felt like she had some help from her family, which is awesome. I admire her mom a lot. So, her reaction was one of surprise.
Ramit Sethi: [00:04:22] Yesterday, right before this call, they filled out a questionnaire, where they included their financial details. Wendy didn’t know how much debt they actually had, and when she saw the number, let’s just say, she was surprised.
Wendy: [00:04:36] He was filling out the questionnaire. I think that’s when I was like, oh, yeah, so how much is that number now? And I’m expecting it to be way less, because we finished dental school 10-plus years. So then, when I heard the number get bigger, and I was like, oh, no. So, I guess recently-
Ramit Sethi: [00:04:53] Yeah. What was your feeling when you heard that number higher than it used to be, not lower?
Wendy: [00:05:02] Trepidation. Yeah, fear. It’s like I want to cry like, oh, my God, how come it’s not getting any lower?
Ramit Sethi: [00:05:12] Did you two talk about it when you heard that number?
Wendy: [00:05:17] Kind of. I think he was just like, it’s okay, it’s fine, it’ll be fine. He was just kind of like, it’ll be okay, Wendy. Like it’s my problem. I’m going to take care of it.
Ramit Sethi: [00:05:30] Notice that tactic, one partner telling the other, don’t worry about it, and then layering on, it’s my problem, which isn’t very satisfying in a relationship with two people. When you hear that, how do you react to that?
Wendy: [00:05:47] It’s definitely annoying.
Ramit Sethi: [00:05:50] What do you mean?
Wendy: [00:05:51] I’m on the side, saying like, I want to help you, like we’re a family, and he’s like, I’m this macho man, I can take care of myself.
Ramit Sethi: [00:06:01] Lots of men are raised with a deep belief that we have to take care of our family financially. And until recently, that was very, very common. That belief is so deep, it’s so invisible that I call it an invisible script.
Ramit Sethi: [00:06:15] Are you a macho man?
John: [00:06:17] No, I don’t consider myself to be a macho man. I felt like it was something that I chose to undertake. It was my responsibility. Even before we got married, even before we got engaged, I felt like this is my choice, it’s my responsibility, so why would I knowingly have my wife undertake that responsibility, too? Because she’s already paying her own loans, and she’s almost done, right? So, why in the hell would I want to add even more onto her plate?
John’s choice to hide his growing $450,000 dental school debt from Wendy was more than just poor financial management—it was a significant breach of trust. Wendy’s skepticism about John’s reassurances led her to take on the role of a detective, meticulously investigating their finances to see if things were under control.
Wendy’s experience of feeling the need to play detective in her marriage is a clear sign of financial infidelity’s damaging effects. For any couple, transparency and teamwork are essential to maintaining trust. You can listen to my conversation with Wendy and John here to hear more about their journey and how they’re handling these challenges.
“We’re $520k in debt—and he hid it from me”
Cassandra and Aldo, both in their early forties, have been together for years and share two kids. Despite their busy lives, Cassandra had little insight into their financial situation—until a Netflix show sparked a conversation that revealed they were drowning in debt. This shocking discovery brought to light the serious issue of financial infidelity, where one partner hides significant financial details from the other, eroding trust in the relationship.
Cassandra’s realization about their true financial state left her stunned. She quickly learned that the debt was much more extensive than Aldo initially let on, leading to feelings of betrayal and disbelief.
[00:03:03] Cassandra: Yeah, I was sitting on the couch looking for something to watch, and it gives you like a preview, even though when you hover over it, you were talking about owning a home and phantom costs. It’s not what everyone makes it out to be. And I was intrigued. looked over to Aldo, and I said, how much debt are we in? Because I literally have no idea.
[00:03:29] And he threw some random numbers out there, and they were pretty high. I think I had an idea, but not anywhere near what they really are. And I think I was in shock. I right away got a pen and paper, and I was like, I want to know everything. He proceeded to tell me about other loans, personal loans, and I vaguely knew about some of them.
[00:03:57] I thought they were in the past, to consolidate debt, little credit cards that we had. There was a loan that was supposed to be paid off, and he mentioned this loan in the amount of $66,000 that is not paid off, and not only is it not paid off. It’s in, I guess, collections.
[00:04:20] We haven’t been paying it for the last few months. And that scared the crap out of me. And I was like, why? What happened? But when he wrote it all down, I almost fell off the chair. I was floored. I didn’t know that everything basically was being charged on credit cards, and loans, and things. I felt a little bit of a false sense of security.
[00:04:51] Ramit: Okay. Aldo, what do you remember about that conversation?
[00:04:56] Aldo: It was a tough conversation. I know in the past I’ve brought it up, but I know she gets really alarmed or panic any number I put out there. I’ve been trying to tell her for a couple of years that it’s been challenging, but never really sat down, and I’ve never put enough effort to really sit her down and go over all the numbers
[00:05:19] it was a daunting task. I thought of a number, and that number I gave her was scary enough. And then when I started logging into all the accounts and finding everything out, it was twice as much. I should know better. So a big part of it was just disappointed in myself that. I let it get to this point, this bad, this fast.
As Cassandra processed the severity of their financial situation, she began to get frustrated. She couldn’t understand how they could be working so hard yet still be struggling to manage their finances. This disconnect between effort and outcome is a common theme in relationships affected by financial infidelity, where one partner’s actions leave the other feeling disempowered and in the dark.
[00:12:09] Cassandra: I think I would feel annoyed sometimes because I’d feel like I work hard, and so do you. And I’m like, how do we not have the money. And I just naively thought we have bills. We have a mortgage. So it’s annoying to feel like you can’t do little things when you work so hard, so I wasn’t annoyed at you. I just was annoyed at the fact that we should be able to do those things, as I know we do make pretty good money.
Cassandra and Aldo’s story is a clear example of how avoiding honest discussions about money can lead to serious financial and emotional consequences. Their experience underscores the importance of transparency and teamwork in managing finances within a relationship. Listen to how they navigated these challenges in our full conversation here.
“He hid $77k in CC debt from me—but can’t tell me what he bought”
Jim and Dana, both 58 years old and five years into their second marriage, struggle with the weight of financial secrets. In his attempt to maintain his role as a provider, Jim has hidden a significant amount of credit card debt from Dana—$77,000 worth.
This concealment has deeply damaged the trust in their relationship, with Dana feeling the sting of betrayal reminiscent of past pains. On the other hand, Jim is overwhelmed, not fully understanding how his spending spiraled out of control.
[00:01:51] Dana: As I was filling it out, I found an additional quantity of debt that I did not know he had, and that we have a whole history of this. It was pretty traumatic.
[00:02:04] Ramit: What happened?
[00:02:05] Dana: When we first moved, he came to me, and he said, hey, there’ve been some expenses. It’s not bad. It’s not bad. I just want to consolidate it and get it paid off. I don’t know that I asked him, maybe I did, how much it was, but I remember thinking, that’s manageable. It was about maybe $20,000. And I thought, okay. But a year later, he came to me and said, I need you to handle everything. I have $77,000 in credit card debt.
[00:02:36] Ramit: From 20k to 77,000.
[00:02:40] Dana: I didn’t know what to say. That was just so unheard of. And I kept thinking, where’s $77,000? I don’t see what we got for that. And he was unable to tell me how it was spent. I was furious, that whole concept of financial infidelity. You’ve hidden 77,000 and you come to me now.
[00:03:05] But I tried to be calm in the moment because it’s a problem, and it had to be fixed. And he just said, can you fix this? And I put together a plan, and he said, I’m going to work really hard, and I’m going to do all these things. And so I said, okay, you’re good. I didn’t monitor him day in, day out. And then after filling out the CSP, I found another 22,000?
[00:03:32] Jim: It wasn’t that much.
[00:03:33] Dana: Okay. I don’t remember exactly because by that point it was–
[00:03:38] Jim: About 12 more.
[00:03:40] Dana: But I was like, I can’t believe that this has happened three times. I can’t trust this person. This is my previous life. This is what I thought I was getting away from, not monetarily. I thought I could trust him. It felt just like finding out he was seeing somebody on the side. It felt that bad. It’s been tough since then.
As we talked, Jim acknowledged that his spending spiraled out of control. He relied heavily on credit cards for everyday expenses. His lack of a financial plan and attempts to maintain a certain lifestyle pushed them into their current financial crisis. Daily costs and unexpected expenses like furnace repairs were charged to credit, rapidly accumulating debt.
Additionally, risky ventures like cattle raising further compounded the problem, leaving them with $80,000 in credit card debt and no clear path forward.
Towards the end of our conversation, Jim acknowledged his failures and the emotional toll they had taken on Dana. His attempts to protect her from financial worries had backfired, leaving them both in a precarious situation.
[00:08:57] Dana: He was embarrassed, and he wanted to be– maybe I’m just guessing. The discrepancy in our lifestyles for the last 30 years is so huge. And I think it’s been hard. I know he wants to provide things, and I think he wanted to make me happy. It just backfired when it made me really unhappy.
[00:09:20] Ramit: Jimmy, what do you notice about all those things that you just shared with me?
[00:09:26] Jim: I didn’t need a lot of it.
[00:09:27] Ramit: Mm-hmm.
[00:09:28] Jim: I didn’t have a plan, and I’m not trying to use a buzzword. I didn’t have any backup money for that like I should.
[00:09:37] Ramit: Okay, what else?
[00:09:39] Jim: Well, I had at that point listened to the podcast that she had suggested and got reminded of everything I had been doing wrong, and there was no way to recover from it. My former job, I could have worked some more overtime. I could have done this. I could have done that. But I can’t this time, and there’s no way to come back from it without absolutely cutting everything. So that’s where I’m at now.
[00:10:19] Ramit: Okay.
[00:10:20] Jim: Actually, I the one thing I do remember is she said, if you spend $1 without talking to me about it, that’s it. I’ve been divorced once. I really don’t want to do this again. And I like Dana a lot more.
[00:10:37] Ramit: If you had to describe how you think she feels right now, what would you say?
[00:10:43] Jim: Exactly how she said, absolutely betrayed.
Jim and Dana’s story powerfully reminds us that financial infidelity isn’t just about numbers—it’s about trust, communication, and the roles we play in our relationships. To learn more about their journey and the insights we discussed together, you can listen to the full episode here.
What You Can Do If You Notice Signs Of Financial Infidelity In Your Relationship
Financial infidelity—hiding money, secret spending, or lying about finances—can seriously damage trust in a relationship. But it doesn’t have to be the end. Here’s how to handle it:
- Prioritize Safety: If other risk factors are present, like abuse, make sure you’re safe first.
- Seek Professional Help: Couples counseling or financial therapy can help you both navigate the issue.
- Reframe Money Conversations: Shift from negative to positive language. For example, say “We’re building a plan to save for it” instead of “We can’t afford it.”
- Get Involved Together: Both partners should participate in financial decisions, even if one handles most of the day-to-day details.
- Be Understanding, Not Accusatory: Talk openly about your feelings and work together to understand why the secrecy happened in the first place.
- Clarify Your Terms: Make sure you both agree on what terms like ‘financial stability,’ ‘spending money,’ and ‘savings’ mean to each of you.
- Identify and Challenge Invisible Beliefs: We all have scripts. It’s crucial to recognize and reframe these.
- “Talking about money is unromantic.”
- “It’s normal to fight about money. Money is stressful.”
- “He just isn’t a money person.”
- “I make it; she spends it!”
- “I don’t need much, but it seems like they’re always spending on something. Like, do we really need another toy for the kids?”
- “Rich Life? We’re just trying to pay our bills.”
- “We’ll probably have our debt until the day we die.”
Stop Fighting About Money For Good
Financial infidelity can be devastating, but it doesn’t have to end your relationship. By understanding the signs, causes, and consequences, you can work together to build a stronger, more financially honest partnership. Many couples who experience financial infidelity choose to overcome it and reconcile.
For couples serious about getting on the same page with money, my book Money For Couples is the best place to start. You’ll learn:
- Exactly what to say when talking about money, even if your partner resists talking about money.
- Steps to create a joint vision of your Rich Life—one that fits you as an individual and as a couple.
- How your past affects the way you feel about money, and how to change your story to one that feels positive and future oriented
- And much, much more.
