Have you ever had a conversation with a friend or stranger and ended up offending them with your honesty? It sucks, right? Too often I have people asking me how to handle situations like these:
- Should they pander to the other person’s opinion?
- Should they stop being honest all together?
If you want to communicate more effectively, then the right answer is none of the above!
There is a middle ground between these two extremes that you can learn to distinguish, and I’ll show you how in this post.
Be more empathetic towards others’ feelings
To be well liked means being able to put yourself in another’s shoes – knowing that is one thing, but doing it is a whole different beast.
Here’s one simple strategy you can use to start appearing more empathetic in your conversations.
Pick one person in your friend group who is universally liked. This person will serve to be your communications mentor. I want you to watch carefully how they respond to questions. If someone comes up to them complaining about their relationship or their weight, listen closely.
- What questions do they ask?
- Do they try to give advice, or do they make statements of empathy?
- Are they doing most of the talking, or mainly listening?
I’m sure you’ll find that their response differs greatly from how you would respond in that situation.
After you’ve studied them, try to modulate yourself. The next time someone baits you with something like “Oh, I really need to go to the gym”, don’t just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind (trust me, I can appreciate how hard this is).
Take a second and think about how your friend would respond. And then give that response. Over time, you’ll end up changing your internal psychology as well.
Here’s an example of how to be more empathetic, in a scenario where a colleague, Sarah, is upset because her project proposal was rejected:
You: “Hey Sarah, I noticed you’re looking a bit down. I understand you’re feeling disappointed about the proposal. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
Sarah: “Yeah, I put a lot of work into it, and it just feels like it was all for nothing.”
You: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated and upset about this. That must be tough.”
Sarah: “Exactly. I just don’t know what to do now.”
You: “I can see why you’d feel that way. It’s completely understandable given the situation. I’m here for you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Sarah: “Thanks. Just talking about it helps, actually.”
You: “I totally understand, how you’re feeling about it is valid and important. If you need anything else, let me know.”
And here’s what to avoid:
You: “Hey Sarah, I noticed you’re looking a bit down.”
Sarah: “Yeah, I put a lot of work into it, and it just feels like it was all for nothing.”
You: “I think you can just move on. (interrupts) You shouldn’t feel that way. It’s not a big deal.”
Sarah: “But I really thought it would be accepted.”
You: “I went through something similar last month, and I handled it by pushing harder on the next project. What you need to do is just focus on the next opportunity.”
Sarah: “I guess, but it still feels really discouraging.”
You: “You’re overreacting. It’s not as bad as you think and these things happen.”
Sarah: “Okay…” (feeling dismissed and misunderstood)
Besides being a better listener, you can improve your social skills by fixing a monotone voice, watch this video where I show you how:
Stop giving more information
When people come to us for advice or simply talk to us about their problems, what many of us default to is to provide them with information.
Yeah, don’t do that.
I know it’s counter-intuitive, but here’s the thing–people don’t need more information. They’re well aware of their problem. If someone is 50lbs overweight, I promise you they are already aware that they have an issue with diet and exercise. The last thing they need is for you to start informing them on what they should change in their life.
The key to doing this is to be more sensitive.
I know what you’re thinking, “Ramit, out of all people how are YOU telling me to be more sensitive?”
Listen, this is my blog so I can call myself sensitive if I want to. The point is, you need to have a bit more empathy if you want people to like you. If you’re unwilling to do that, then you should just make peace with the fact that people won’t like you too much.
Trying to tell people where they messed up comes across as insensitive and it leaves them with the feeling that you don’t have any appreciation for their situation. Once you internalize the need for sensitivity, you can move on to what you should actually do to improve your communication.
Here’s an example of how not giving more information can make you a better listener:
Lisa: “I can’t believe my boss assigned me yet another project with an impossible deadline. It’s like he thinks I have no other work to do!”
You: “That sounds really frustrating, Lisa. I can see why you’re upset.”
Lisa: “Exactly! And then when I try to explain how much I already have on my plate, he just brushes it off.”
You: “I understand how that would make you feel unheard and undervalued. It must be really stressful for you.”
Lisa: “It is! Thanks for listening.”
You: “I’m here for you. If you need to talk more, I’m all ears.”
And here’s what to avoid:
Lisa: “I can’t believe my boss assigned me yet another project with an impossible deadline. It’s like he thinks I have no other work to do!”
You: “Oh, I know exactly what you mean. My boss did the same thing to me last month. I had three projects due and he gave me another one out of nowhere. I ended up working late every night for two weeks. And then…”
Lisa: “But it’s just so overwhelming right now…”
You: “Yeah, and what you should do is keep a detailed log of all your tasks and show it to your boss. That’s what I did, and it kind of helped. Also, you should consider talking to HR about it. They might be able to mediate. And you know, you could also try setting stricter boundaries with your time.”
Lisa: “I guess, but…”
You: “And make sure you take breaks so you don’t burn out. By the way, have you tried using a project management tool to organize your tasks? It might help with the workload.”
Lisa: “Right… thanks…” (feeling unheard and overwhelmed)
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My Personal Mistakes in My Communication
I know this news may shock you, but I haven’t always been the easiest guy to get along with *cue gasp from audience*. Like many people, I too used to be the guy who was too honest with people. I thought my honest and blunt communication style was harmless, even helpful at times.
But people REALLY didn’t like it.
I remember it like it was yesterday. Someone would tell me how they just got their 5th overdraft fee from their bank, and look to me to make a statement of empathy, only to be shocked by hearing me say, “well, maybe you should take more responsibility for your financial life”.
Can you believe I was surprised that people were offended by that?
Here’s why my words weren’t received well–because I was being an asshole. Only people who have zero social acuity think you either have to be 100% honest or lie in a conversation.
That’s what the psychology field calls an extreme reach barrier–the assumption that if you want to do something, you have to go to the COMPLETE EXTREME to do it at all.
Not offending people during conversation isn’t as simple as lying or being honest. But rather, you need to approach every conversation with a little more finesse.
Have you read my NYT Bestselling book yet? If not, watch this 10 minute summary while you’re here!
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Key Takeaways
As you learned from above, being honest is not THE most important thing in a conversation. What most people want is to talk to someone who is non-judgemental and to feel heard.
If you follow the tips above and avoid my mistakes, you’ll change the bad habit of blurting out the “honest” albeit insensitive thing that comes into your mind into more statements of empathy. This will lead to you being well liked by your network.
To summarize:
- Be a more empathetic listener.
- Stop giving more information when people talk to you – if you absolutely have to, remember to be sensitive about HOW you deliver that information.
- Be honest, but tailor that honesty to who you’re talking to.
It’s one of the best things I’ve published (and 100% free), just tell me where to send it:
