We all know the feeling of being encouraged. It’s something we want from others, and the best way to get it is to give it.
We can encourage others by helping them see their true potential, so they can move forward in the direction they want.
Encouragement is a form of support that shows someone that they are not alone in their current situation—that there is another person who understands how they feel and what they’re going through. Encouraging others means you take the time to hear and understand where they are and why they feel stuck. You’re showing them a different perspective of themselves, which allows them to see that they can move forward in the direction they want to go.
I want to show you a great system to help you learn how to encourage someone today.
How to Encourage Someone
Here’s the secret to encouraging people you won’t hear from 99.9% of life coaches and self-help books:
You can only encourage someone if they want it.
Think back to high school. I’d be willing to bet that the majority of you have forgotten things from your math classes like the quadratic formula or whatever the heck a protractor does. BUT if I asked you all the words to a song you loved in high school, the one you blasted in the car with your friends and every morning on the way to school, you’d be able to sing it to me perfectly (vocal skills depending).
The same idea applies to encouragement; it’s only effective and ingrained in us when we want it. It’s human nature.
So if you try to encourage someone who doesn’t want it you’re just wasting your time.
This might seem callous but it’s actually very freeing. When you’re able to recognize who’s ready to be encouraged, you’ll know where to focus your energy when it comes to helping people who need it.
I’ve developed a three-step system to help you identify these moments to help you encourage anyone willing to improve themselves.
Step 1: Stop and Listen
I got this email from a reader a while back:
From: J.
Subject: My question is your next blog topic.
My mother is a hot mess. In a sense, I arose from the ashes of poverty while she still hangs her hat there. She came to visit for Thanksgiving and asked me how I made my millions (slight exaggeration) so she could too. I don’t know how to tell her she sucks with money and that she needs to get her shit straight before she can dream of island vacations, or even owning a new car on her own.
Thoughts on how to tell a single mom who raised half a dozen children who’s 60+ years old that she doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing and needs to get her shit in gear?
You’re the man. If you have questions, I’m available on my cell or by email.
All the Best,
J.
Notice what is going on here. This reader wants to encourage his mother but is being very judgemental. His moral righteousness is preventing him from realizing a key thing: His mother is starting in the same place he did.
He even acknowledges it saying, “I arose from the ashes of poverty while she still hangs her hat there.” But he still goes into a judgemental tirade about how his mother is screwing up.
His first step should have been to step back and acknowledge where she is in the journey. Like him, she also started from poverty. Unlike him, there were probably different potentially bigger barriers in her way, like raising children.
The worst people in the world are people who just learned enough to be dangerous (typically, people who just learned about paleo, weightlifting, or personal finance). They’ve gone through the journey of deciding to change their life, so now they believe everyone needs to join them without realizing that three months before, they wouldn’t have wanted to hear any of that!
So if someone comes to you who needs encouragement, your first step should always be to stop and listen. Empathize with where they are in their journey.
Two other key points:
- Spend time building rapport. It’s easy to launch into how simple or easy the solution to someone’s problems is. Instead, spend the majority of your time just listening. The conversation should be 90% them and 10% you.
- Acknowledge their feelings. There’s no better way to discourage someone than by telling them their feelings aren’t legitimate. If someone who needs encouragement comes to you, acknowledge and address their emotions, even if you don’t quite agree with them.
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Step 2: Measure How Serious They Are
Your next step is to discern if they’re ready to be encouraged.
Say a friend comes to you and tells you about how he’s struggling with his credit card debt. He also knows you recently got out of debt yourself.
You’ve listened to him talk and empathized with him, and now you’re going to ask him one simple question:
How serious are you?
This is key. If your friend’s answer is anything other than, I’m very serious. I’m ready to do anything to get out of debt, they don’t want your encouragement and probably just want to complain or feel validated.
In that case, just smile and say, You’re doing great. I’m sure you’ll figure things out. Anything more than that would be a waste of time and energy for you.
However, if they communicate that they’re ready for genuine encouragement, move on to the next step.
For example, during a recent episode of my podcast, I spoke with DJ and Adam, a couple struggling with credit card debt. Their situation seemed dire at first, but as our conversation unfolded, I witnessed a pivotal moment that showed they were truly ready to change their financial habits and I nudged them along.
[00:55:24] Ramit: All right, let’s look at the debt payoff. What’s your interest rate?
[00:55:29] DJ: Adam, did we write this down the other night?
[00:55:31] Adam: I didn’t save it.
[00:55:36] Ramit: We’ll just say 26%, because I bet it is. And how much currently pay every month?
[00:55:42] DJ: It varies. It really does vary. I pay–
[00:55:48] Ramit: Why?
[00:55:49] DJ: I try to put as much as I can when I can.
[00:55:52] Ramit: Okay. How much?
[00:55:54] DJ: I usually put at least 2,000 a month towards it, but then I charge it back up. That’s the problem. I will pay and then I’ll use my credit card so that I get points.
[00:56:07] Ramit: What the fuck? Why? What the fuck? What are you talking about? Why are you using it for points?
[00:56:14] DJ: I don’t use– because I don’t want to use my checking account. Because you don’t get any rewards to use your checking account when you pay.
[00:56:18] Ramit: Are you kidding me right now?
[00:56:20] DJ: What? You’re supposed to do that, right?
[00:56:23] Ramit: Who told you that? Who told you? Who told you that you’re supposed to go into more debt to earn one cent in rewards?
[00:56:34] DJ: Well, you just don’t get any rewards when you spend money out of your checking account.
[00:56:38] Ramit: Who cares? You are in debt. You know why you actually care? Do you know why I’m getting so mad and you’re not? Do you have any idea why this is happening right now?
[00:56:48] DJ: Because the math doesn’t equal out.
[00:56:51] Ramit: No. I’m getting mad because you don’t even see the consequences of what you’re doing. Because you have no consequences. You are staying in debt, not just because of the interest, which is already crazy high, but because you keep spending on it.
And when I ask you why, you go, so I can get points. It makes no sense. These points are worthless for somebody like you in credit card debt. The last thing you should be thinking about is points.
[00:57:27] DJ: I needed to hear that.
[00:57:31] Ramit: Has anyone ever told you that?
[00:57:34] DJ: No. I thought that if you were good with money, that you used credit cards to your advantage to earn points so that your money was making you money.
[00:57:51] Ramit: Your money is not making you money. All that money you’re putting in your credit card on the backend is just costing you more than those points. You’re basically spending a dollar to pay a 1.50 and then you get one cent back. It makes no sense.
[00:58:14] DJ: Yeah. When you put it like that, it doesn’t make sense at all.
[00:58:17] Ramit: Okay, so we got to stop that. This is why people who are in credit card debt, they use their debit card. It’s a huge behavioral peculiarity. But it actually makes sense because those people go, shit, I do not want to put more on this credit. I’m paying it off. I don’t want to add more to it, so I’m going to pay for my dinner with a debit card.
Step 3: Give Them Genuine Encouragement
Like giving a good compliment, encouraging someone requires authenticity. That’s why you should avoid giving meaningless platitudes like:
- Where there’s a will, there’s a way!
- The universe never gives you more than you can handle!
- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!
In fact, NEVER utter any of the phrases above out loud to anyone. The world will be better for it.
Instead, genuine encouragement acknowledges their struggles and offers a potential solution to their problems.
Let’s take your friend who’s talking to you about debt. After listening you ask, How serious are you?
SCENARIO 1: I want to get out of debt! I’m just awful with numbers and this economy is so lame and
Stop. They don’t really want to know a great system to get out of debt. They just want to complain and for you to listen to them.
YOUR ANSWER: Yeah, it’s tough. I just make sure I’m paying my bills each month.
Another scenario:
SCENARIO 2: Yeah, I’d really like to get out of debt. I’m trying this new thing where I’m cutting out lattes each month and skipping every other meal.
They’re not looking for technical advice. They just want to feel better about what they’re doing. In this case, validate them.
YOUR ANSWER: Good job. That sounds difficult.
Final scenario:
SCENARIO 3: I’m serious. I’ve been reading a few blogs about budgeting. I’ve been contributing X% of my paycheck towards my debt. How did you do it, You got out of debt so fast last year, I want to know how. I’ll do whatever you did.
Now your friend is ready for helpful, genuine encouragement. They’re showing that they’re ready to accept what you have to say and are eager to hear it.
YOUR ANSWER: Great! It sounds like you’re already doing a great job with the research and paying down your debt. Tell you what, send me an email with the amount of your debt and income and we’ll talk about what else you could be doing to crush your debt.
Notice two things with the last example, these are important:
- It seems unfathomably rare that anyone would actually say, I’m serious. I’ll do whatever you tell me to. Almost nobody ever says this, because almost nobody really wants advice to the level of following through. They want to complain, they want to feel validated, but fewer than 1 in 1,000 actually want to change their behavior. It took me 10 years to truly internalize this. Once you do, you’ll start to be more understanding and empathetic, instead of frustrated.
- Even though they say they are 100% serious, I still didn’t dive into the deep, technical how to because they are not ready. You’re doing them a favor by parceling out your advice, and you’re giving them a minor barrier to see how serious they really are. Anyone can say they’re serious. This is an example of using barriers strategically.
As my conversation with DJ and Adam progressed, we delved deeper into their credit card habits. What started as a discussion about debt repayment quickly revealed a crucial misunderstanding about credit card rewards – a common pitfall many fall into when trying to manage their finances, and showcases how small changes in behavior can lead to significant improvements.
[00:59:00] Ramit: All right. So currently, if you’re paying off $2,000 a month, that’s why now the math actually adds up. If you’re paying 2,000, I’m like, this thing’s going to be paid off right away. What’s the problem? Then I find out you’re spending all this money for miles. I go, oh my God. All right, so how much, by the way, were you spending on that credit card?
[00:59:23] DJ: I just use it for everything.
[00:59:26] Ramit: Like?
[00:59:26] DJ: One with my lowest interest, I just use for everything. Gas, groceries, everything.
[00:59:31] Ramit: Okay. Don’t do that anymore.
[00:59:33] DJ: Okay.
[00:59:34] Ramit: So you can only buy how much you have in your checking account.
[00:59:38] DJ: Okay.
[00:59:39] Ramit: All right, so if you pay, can you continue paying $2,000 a month towards your credit card?
[00:59:46] DJ: Yes.
[00:59:47] Ramit: How long will it take you to pay off?
[00:59:51] DJ: A year probably.
[00:59:54] Ramit: Let’s get the exact number because I want you to see it.
[00:59:58] DJ: Okay.
[00:59:58] Ramit: Oh, you’re not going to be able to do this on a calculator of your own.
[01:00:01] DJ: Why not?
[01:00:03] Ramit: Unless you can do the calculations with the interest rate.
[01:00:07] DJ: Oh.
Once you offer your advice, close with an authentic compliment for the person you’re talking to. This helps reaffirm to them that they are capable of handling the situation and ends your encouragement on a high note.
Here’s how I did it with DJ:
[01:00:08] Ramit: I’ll just tell you. It’s nine months.
[01:00:11] DJ: That’s it?
[01:00:14] Ramit: Yeah.
[01:00:15] DJ: Okay.
[01:00:17] Ramit: What do you think about that?
[01:00:19] DJ: That’s awesome.
[01:00:21] Ramit: It’s easy. Is that surprising to you?
[01:00:27] DJ: Yeah, that’s shocking.
[01:00:29] Ramit: What’d you think it would be?
[01:00:31] DJ: At least two years.
To wrap up – in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Dale Carnegie put it best:
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other is insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other is selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.?
People aren’t stupid. They know a weak compliment (or ‘flattery’ as Carnegie called it) when they hear it. They also know the value of a good authentic compliment and appreciate it.
Put these elements together and you can encourage anyone ready for it.
Final Thoughts on Encouraging Others
When you encourage someone, you’re not just offering them encouragement—you’re offering yourself as well. Encouragement is about connecting with another person so that they can connect with themselves. And it only takes a moment to give someone encouragement.
Encouragement doesn’t have to be awkward or forced; it can be as easy as complimenting someone on their outfit or saying “Good job!” when they succeed at something difficult. Encouraging others is like giving yourself a pat on the back—it makes you feel good!
Encouraging people is more than just sitting down and listening to them talk about their problems. Encouraging people is about being present for them in a way that lets them know they matter.
