Financial infidelity is terrible. Luckily there are some telltale signs which you can pinpoint so that you can confirm your suspicions early on.
Identifying these signs isn’t a guarantee that your partner is betraying you financially (some of these signs could be due to innocent reasons) but it’s important to know these to protect yourself from potential financial abuse.
Behavioral signs
While financial infidelity can sometimes be difficult to detect, there are often behavioral cues that may indicate something is amiss. Some of the most common red flags are:
1. Secretive behavior around financial matters
If your partner is suddenly secretive about their finances, it could be a red flag. Watch out if they’re quickly closing browser tabs or financial apps when you walk into the room. Do they take phone calls about money in private? Have they suddenly started password-protecting their devices or financial accounts? These behaviors might indicate they’re hiding something important from you.
2. Sudden changes in spending habits
Drastic changes in how your partner spends money could signal financial infidelity. Are they suddenly making a lot of personal purchases that you can’t account for? Or, have they drastically cut back on spending without any discussion? Perhaps they’ve developed new, expensive hobbies or interests that seem to come out of nowhere. These shifts can be a clue that something isn’t right.
3. Defensiveness when discussing money
Another sign of financial infidelity is defensiveness. If your partner becomes angry or evasive when you ask about money, or if they deflect questions and change the subject, it might indicate they’re hiding something. They may even accuse you of being untrusting or controlling as a way to avoid scrutiny. This behavior is a classic defense mechanism to keep their financial secrets under wraps.
4. Lying about income or debts
Lies about money can take many forms. Maybe your partner’s reported income doesn’t quite add up, or you’ve discovered loans or credit card balances you didn’t know about. They might struggle to explain discrepancies in financial statements. These inconsistencies can be a major red flag that they’re not being honest about their financial situation.
5. Excluding partner from financial decisions
If you find yourself being cut out of financial decisions, this could be a sign of trouble. Your partner might make large purchases without consulting you, refuse to discuss joint financial planning, or insist on handling all bill payments alone. This exclusion can lead to significant financial mismanagement and hidden debts.
6. Frequent "work-related" financial emergencies
Do they frequently need money for unclear work expenses, but can’t provide receipts or documentation? Are these supposed work-related financial issues starting to seem implausible? This pattern can indicate that your partner is using their job as a cover for their financial indiscretions.
7. Insistence on separate finances without explanation
If your partner suddenly wants to keep separate finances or split previously shared accounts without a clear reason, it’s worth paying attention. They might refuse to pool resources for shared expenses or be secretive about their individual financial situation.
8. Sudden interest in cryptocurrency or hidden investments
Has your partner developed an unexplained interest in Bitcoin or other cryptocurrencies? Have you discovered hidden investment accounts, or do they make vague references to “business opportunities”? This could even include investments with friends or family. These could be signs they’re hiding money, trying desperately to recoup money, or moving it into untraceable forms.
Real Example: “I just learned he took out a secret $100,000 loan—two years ago”
Emily and Jan’s story is a perfect example of financial infidelity. During the process of buying a house, Emily discovered that Jan had taken out a $100,000 loan without her knowledge. He hadn’t even planned on how to use the money to benefit their lives. This betrayal was particularly painful for Emily because she had trusted Jan to manage their finances. The lack of transparency damaged their relationship, showing just how critical open communication is when it comes to money matters.
Jan: Together we got the loan, and then at some point, I received an extension to increase that loan. Initially, I just applied for a small amount, just thinking this would be a good backup or an emergency fund scenario. And then when I got approved, I got approved for the entire loan amount, which was way more than I was honestly looking for.
And then I sat with a couple of days and then I was just thinking that this would help me redirect my career. I was just hoping that that would be able to get me back on track. I was thinking, “Okay, cool. I can use this to start some kind of a small business or use it to generate some income for the lifestyle that both Emily and I want.” And then I took it and then I didn’t tell Emily about it, and then it just became this snowball that I became ashamed of.
Emily: I found out we were already under contract and our lender was requesting some information about this small business loan. Again, when we took it out, it was at the beginning of COVID. Jan had lost his job, which we knew we’d be set up for the whole year. We were aware that we were set. And so when he lost his job, it was all on me. And I had just started a new job, which is all commission based. So we knew at that point, okay, right now I have enough money to pay off that loan if we need. So I knew that if we’re taking it, I have the ability to pay it back, but it would give us a little cushion still considering or thinking that COVID would be done faster.
And so when our lender called and said, “Hey, I need these documents,” it was like, days had gone by and Jan keeps most of our– he’s very organized. He has everything in files. Everything is there. So I was like, “Babe, just send her the stuff. It’s all good. Just send her the stuff.”
And after a few days of that, I noticed that his mood was getting really weird. He kept saying, “They keep asking us for stuff. They keep asking us for stuff.” And I was like, “We haven’t done anything wrong. Open book, send them all.” And eventually, he just said, “I need to tell you something. I made a mistake.” And we were already a week and a half or two weeks into the home-buying process already.
I was walking home and he said the number and I just immediately like– sorry. I just immediately was like, “Am I going to be one of those wives whose husband gambles away all of their money?” Everything that I thought I had that I had been saving for the last year, working and working and working towards the thing, I didn’t have enough money to pay back that loan.
Ramit: I’m really enjoying this conversation. Yes, Jan made a mistake, a really dumb one, but he’s owned up to it. And Emily has acknowledged what happened and she’s accepted it. She said she’s not concerned he’ll do it again. I know a lot of you want me to sit here and beat Jan up, but that’s not what this podcast is about.
Everybody makes mistakes with their money, and you will often see me surprisingly compassionate when somebody does not know how to start investing. I mean, 90% of the time the people on this show don’t even read my book. I’m not going to blame them. I’m here to help them.
Now, I do get mad when people don’t take responsibility for their actions. But Jan has. He’s acknowledged it. He’s making amends. And I applaud him for that. And I applaud his partner, Emily, for accepting that and being so candid. Now, I want to go deeper. Again, I’m not interested in beating him up, but I want to make sure he understands why he took that loan out because if he does, he can get to the root cause of his lie around money.
Non-behavioral signs/discoveries
Beyond observable behaviors, there are often tangible financial clues that can point to potential financial infidelity. These include:
1. Unexplained withdrawals or credit card charges
Keep a close eye on your bank and credit card statements. Regular cash withdrawals with no clear purpose, unfamiliar merchant names, or charges that don’t match known activities can all be signs of financial infidelity. If purchases don’t align with what you know about your partner’s habits, it’s time to ask questions.
2. Hidden bank accounts or credit cards
Discovering evidence of secret accounts is a clear sign of financial betrayal. If statements from unknown accounts start showing up, or you receive mail for credit cards you didn’t know existed, it’s time to investigate. Finding unfamiliar cards in your partner’s wallet can also be a major red flag.
3. Unexplained luxury items or purchases
Has your partner suddenly acquired luxury items without any discussion? If new clothing, jewelry, or gadgets start appearing out of nowhere, or if they’re giving expensive gifts to friends or family, this could be a sign. Evidence of dining out or entertainment that you’re not a part of might also indicate secret spending.
4. Intercepting mail or hiding financial statements
Some partners may try to control the flow of financial information by intercepting mail or hiding statements. If bank or credit card statements are going missing, or if your partner always insists on collecting the mail first, it could be a sign of financial infidelity. Another clue is if online statements are suddenly turned off, cutting you off from visibility into your joint finances.
5. Unexplained cash transactions
Large cash transactions can be a sign of hidden financial activities. If you notice large amounts of cash appearing or disappearing without explanation, frequent ATM visits, or an insistence on using cash for purchases usually made with a card, it’s worth investigating. Cash transactions are harder to trace and can indicate secretive financial behavior.
6. Discrepancies between lifestyle and known income
If your partner’s lifestyle doesn’t match their income, something might be wrong. Living beyond (or under) apparent means, providing vague or implausible explanations about financial windfalls, or suddenly indulging in luxury items or activities can all be signs of financial infidelity. It’s crucial to ensure that lifestyle choices align with what you know about your partner’s income.
“I hid thousands of dollars of credit card debt from my husband”
Jordan’s story is another example of the damage financial infidelity can cause. She hid $10,000 in credit card debt from her husband, Dan, because she feared his reaction and believed she could handle it on her own. This secrecy led to a breakdown in trust and nearly ended their relationship. It underscores the importance of transparency and honesty when managing joint finances.
Dan: ****And the first thing he [financial advisor] was talking about as I sat down was credit card debt and how to manage credit card debt now that she had $10,000 of credit card debt. And I was like, you have $10,000 of credit card debt, like how? And in those types of conversations, like he obviously was like, you didn’t know this? I didn’t want to have that conversation there, like I’d wanted to keep it progressing and focus on everything we were there to accomplish. And if it happened, we need to figure out a way forward.
Jordan: Honestly, I kept it a secret, because I thought I could fix it for a long time. I had an idea in my head that I’d be able to do it on my own. I also had this, I think, fear about what the reaction would be. And I think after so long, it just was a part of me, and I knew how much it impacted me emotionally that I was worried about what and how it would impact Dan in the long run, like it’s going to suck either way, and it sucked either way. But I had this idea in my head, I had one of those invisible manuscripts in my head that I’d fix it. And I went through it for a long time of like, I can fix it, I can fix it, I’ll get it down, it’s not a big deal. That, I think, is that, in a nutshell, is that I really felt that I could do it myself and that I didn’t need help from anybody else.
Dan: [on getting her finances right for their mortgage application] So, like I can forgive you on the first time, I can forgive you on the second time, but like as a family, if we want to have a family together and grow together, like this can’t happen anymore.
Ramit: Notice the language that Dan is using here. He said, my trust was rocked, this can’t happen again, and I felt violated. This is a huge issue in their relationship. Now, if you were in my role, what would you do right now? Where would you take the conversation? My instinct is telling me something here, it’s telling me to dig deeper, and it’s telling me that they don’t fully understand the implications of what’s going on right here.
I’ve talked to lots of people, and they’ll say, oh, yeah, this is a big deal, this is a nine out of 10, and the other partner will agree, but when I probe to see if they really understand what’s at stake, that sometimes, they are weeks away from potentially ending the relationship, the other partner is totally stunned. Most people don’t truly appreciate the consequences of their actions on their partner.
People with money problems love to talk about their money problems, but it’s not enough to talk about your problems. It’s not even enough to admit you have a problem, like Jordan just did when she admitted she knew it would be awful. This is where people commonly make a mistake. They’ll say things like, I get it. I totally screwed up by showing up late again, or I know, I need to stop overspending on the credit card.
Guys, admitting a problem is a good first step, but it’s just the first step, especially when a partner is involved. They need to see change, not just hear words. I want to probe how Jordan is feeling about this. I think she’s using a lot of words, but I still don’t really understand how this is affecting her.
What to do if you suspect financial infidelity
If you have concerns about your partner’s financial honesty, it’s important to approach the situation carefully and methodically. For example:
Gather evidence
Before confronting your partner, it’s essential to gather as much information as possible. Keep a detailed record of any suspicious financial activities you observe.
Collect financial statements, including bank statements, credit card bills, tax returns, and investment account information. Track unusual transactions, noting large withdrawals, transfers, or purchases. Preserve digital evidence such as emails or text messages that may indicate dishonesty.
Confront with understanding, not accusations
When you have enough evidence, approach your partner with the intention of understanding, not accusing. Express how the secrecy or behavior has made you feel, and seek to understand the underlying reasons for their actions. Avoid being accusative, which can lead to defensiveness. Instead, focus on the need for transparency and honesty.
Deciding on the relationship
Financial infidelity can be a breaking point, but it doesn’t always have to be. If the trust is beyond repair and the damage is too great, divorce might be the safest option. On the other hand, if both partners are willing to commit to rebuilding trust and transparency, reconciliation is possible. Consider therapy or counseling to address deeper issues and create a safe space for honest discussions.
Work on your own money psychology in relationships
Financial infidelity isn’t your fault, but it’s an opportunity to reflect on how money is managed and discussed. Use this experience to improve how you deal with and talk about money in your relationship. Seek resources that can help strengthen your financial partnership and improve communication.
Get started today with a copy of my new book, Money for Couples!
